i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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