im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
