If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
