nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
