If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
