living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Randomize
