So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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