the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
