I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
