tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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