Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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