It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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