Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
birth control should be required to get into college
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
