Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize