i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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