I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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