Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
