god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
