Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
