Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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