btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
