just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
