really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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