at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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