legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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