you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
