Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
