The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
