I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
handjob tips. give me some.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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