I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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