I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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