Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
