If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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