Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
