I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I want to fling myself into the sun
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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