He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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