I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
do nipples grow back?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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