Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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