my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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