o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
