she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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