He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
