Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
