If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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