apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
