My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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