Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
