i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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