i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
