No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
