i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Is Oprah even human
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
