How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
