so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
