Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
