my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
