fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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