Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
