Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
