apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
