I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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