sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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