What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
