Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
