I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
