I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
