wanna go halves on a baby?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Houston, we have a blender
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Randomize
