I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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