I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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